281 days ago by Poppy | 211 views | 4 barks

The Bug

My dad wrote a blog all about me on his MySpace and mom just HAD to share it with the canine community.  I don't believe he called me a flabaphone.  And I beg to differ with his description of my behind.  But I agree that I am everything else he describes....and more.  Woof.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for what I think is possibly the perfect pet.  This animal is a relative newcomer on the scene and can only be obtained through hybridization and even then you never quite know what you'll get.  It's not the liger, zonkey, or even the humanzee.  This creature is known as...the bug. 
    No, it's not a typo.  I'm referring to the dog breed which I currently own a member of.  You see kids, when a boston terrier asks a pug to marry him and they decide to settle down, they wind up with a bunch of bouncing baby bugs.  Mine is 20 pounds of fierce, loveability wrapped up in a muscular ball of flab.  It sounds contradictory, I know.  You have the athletic perkiness of a boston with the well, flabbiness of a pug.  And it displays its parents' smashed in muzzle quite nicely.
    But that's not all.  On top of all that, a pink, upward curling tongue that rapidly darts as well as a tail that forms a tight ring shape (not unlike the ourroborros or symbol of a snake eating its own tail which represents infinity) is thrown in for good measure.  You also get huge bugeyes that are way too big for the tiny size of the bughead and which face in slightly different directions in many cases.   Personally, I like the vibrating snort noises that my bug makes.  I find it soothing.  It's like a lullaby produced by some yet to be discovered instrument-the flabaphone.  I'm surprised the song "My Favorite Things" doesn't include that as one of the few of my favorite things.
    The small size of the bug is convenient for car rides, lap warming, and for waste management  (picking up the poop).  Speaking of lapwarming, the bug is a very affectionate creature when it isn't feeling the least bit aggressive.  I've found that the purchase of a motorized treadmill was an excellent investment for maintaining bug tranquility.  When the bug gets worn down it makes an excellent little friend and takes on the appearance of a fat teddy bear with wrinkles.
    Speaking of investments, plan on investing a small fortune in "indestructable dog toys" because your bug will go through them about as fast as a hot knife through butter.  Try to picture tossing a bloated cow carcass into a river full of neglected pirana.  You're now beginning to get a partial picture.  The bug's natural insinct is to grab whatever it can and rapidly shake it back and forth faster than a dingo in A Cry In the Dark.  The only other possible downside to the bug is the fact that about 7 days per week the bug decides to allow its butthole to be proudly displayed for all to see.  I'm not really bothered by it, though.  I just pretend it's something else like a hideous mystical third eye or something.  Or, you can just simply blow on it to make the bug's tail perform a needed if brief act of modesty.
    All in all, I give a hearty thumbs up to the loveable little devils.  If any of you out there are contemplating a pet, I strongly urge you to get one of the little stinkers today.